Scabs

"People aren't governed by their profession, emotionally. Like, you might be an architect and I might be a manager, but we're artists at heart." As a self-professed artist who doesn't actually make great art, I only subscribe to the tenets of fragility, where every gaze lands on me like lead, and I'll over-think it, and dwell on it. The only thing different about me is, I have a very short term memory. Like awful memory, like a fishing net that doesn't hold facts, maybe only tenors of emotions, a vague impression. Then I just totally forget. I'll forget my heart, completely absorbed in a new thing, like a total bimbo.

Maybe this is a form of self-protection.

"If you're over thirty and you haven't got scabs on your heart, you're blessed."

The only scabs I have are the scrapes all over my legs. So I'm bracing for the hurt someday, maybe it'll come in like a two ton truck in the tunnel. Maybe it's better to accumulate some scabs on the way so one doesn't get blindsided, or maybe, maybe I'm either blessed or a total, total, sincere, heartfelt, deeply sensitive BIMBO.

Right.

Day One, Empires

You go from exploring a few too many App options in the attempt to streamline your digital life (Mac, iPhone, iPad sync option a must), determined to shut down this journal, to determined to keep it, determined to write a little bit everyday because writing is a muscle that you have to stretch. It's been good for you since the beginning, since you can remember. R may not have a heroic story as to how he became a designer. There was no moment at age six when he realized that boom, one day he was going to spend days creating images paired with typography that convey tones like "youth," "vibrance," and "strength." Mine isn't heroic either, but I did have a moment at age seven while writing my first "作文" for class that boom, this is what I want to be doing always for the rest of this life, even if it's word vomit, even if these muscles are lax, even if the heart is reengineered to diagrams, timelines, and budgets. So, that is why, I'm not yet going to fully invest in one of these fancy Apps (until they sync directly to Wordpress). I'll keep going.

Maybe the key to any successful App is just that: to create a complete experience. Writer didn't work out because it was only a simple, clean word pad. After you write in it it lays dead in your hands, stuck, unless you copy and paste it to another App. As a minimalist who relish in throwing things away, constantly, I need Apps that offer a holistic experience that takes me on a complete and conclusive journey. Do not give me part of an experience, give me the entire experience. Even if there are weaknesses, there's always time to itinerate on better design, better fluidity, better interaction, but the complete story, the bones and muscles, you must have in the beginning.

A relationship works a bit differently. Fitting two stories, two habits, two intentions into one will never be easy and conclusive. Part of the joy (and the pain), is the process of intertwining the narratives. You will learn to lose a bit of yourself, and there is a part of you -- the giver -- that enjoys the selflessness. Because what is living if not a process of giving and taking, and the 恩怨 that results from that tension. China is an entire culture built on those acts of exchange. The other part of you, the lioness, the obstinate, increasing alpha and confident one, learns to seek control and a balance. The trick is to give enough -- to love enough, without losing oneself.

The discovery of narrative keeps it going. To learn about a person, layer by layer, through actions, interactions, the way they look at you, the way they don't look at you, through stories, and the gaps in the stories, you learn to fill in the blanks, and the gaps keeps it interesting. The greater gap is the present, the days that you weave with that person, and the future, whatever it might be. Make sure it mobilizes you in some way. Make sure it makes you a better person. Make sure that after all the insecurities, a stronger, tougher, kinder you will emerge. But know that too, you should not burden another person with making you into a better person. Hold on to those principles and passions that matter to you, and as a young casanova once told me, "it's not about what you’re doing for him, or what he’s doing for you. It’s about what you do together."