Dear Minako, Can I please drop out of school? I think we should do it. Today I saw a set of Chinese chess sitting on a table, lit by the orange street lamps. They glowed cinematically - the harsh strokes of SOLDIER, the curves of HORSE, reds and greens illuminated like some movie set in Shanghai a century ago. Then my iPod cues in 陈升's 鱼说,and I swear I almost broke down, tears and all, Minako! Tears and tears and memory and future and what's left what's left if not here, Minako?
But I don't know if I've earned it. Thing is, I don't think I've earned it. Thing is, I hate being the "return-from-abroad-spoiled-rich-girl." I hate it because I know that's what I am. I know I haven't clawed my way through elementary, middle school, high school exams. I know I haven't suffered from not being able to find a job that so many undergrads face. I know I wasn't born in the rural villages where that 680yuan I just spent on a gym/yoga/hip-hop class can buy so many meals and education for so many. Am I guilty? No, I just feel like I haven't earn it, that's all.
Because it's weird, to be on the lower middle class for ten straight years in America, to be on free lunch, no insurance, to roam one apartment after another, to earn your own scholarship and your own education, to suffer through it, and to earn it, it's dignifying. Then suddenly, you find yourself catapulted to the upper class here on your parents' money and legacy, and you think, what are you without them, what can you do, what are you worth?
Which is why, I need to find a job. Guiming asked me today, how much are you spending a month? And I pause, and I tell him honestly that I have no idea, but it's probably a scary number, especially because they all come from father. Now sure I have my reasons for lavishness. By being in China I'm saving a shitload of money I would otherwise spend on living on Granville, Ohio. My school is giving me money to be in China. But it's still... wrong, very very wrong somehow. Which is why, we're gonna find a job, between school, and the gym, and the writing, and the boy.
As for the jobs, there are many and very few options.
Option #1: Teach English Pros: Pays so very well Pros: Not tiring at all Cons: I don't want to speak English, at all Conclusion: Not gonna happen, unless it's to teach for friends.
Option #2: The dishes, waitress, store clerk, cafe type Pros: Dig dirty and deep to the "real" China? Cons: Tiring. Pay not well. Cons: I WILL SUCK AT IT. Conclusion: I actually really want to get a regular manual job, but I don't think I'm good enough... such a klutz, and these would want long hours... and Guiming actually scoffed and said, "you don't know how tiring those jobs are."
Option #3: Not gonna say... hahaha. I just got a number and called today and got an interview. No jinx! It may be that this wouldn't work out at all, but if it does... that would be nice.
BUT I FORGOT. I HAVE TO GO TO THAT INTERNSHIP.... SHITEEEE. Where be time. Where be time?
I asked Ayae the other day (she just got back from studying in the UK) whether she liked the USA or UK better, and she replied: Japan. Hahahaha... that's Asians for ya.